While cleaning the other night I noticed an article in a magazine that intrigued me. It was an interview with a 40-year-old woman, a single mother via anonymous sperm donor, who had written an essay (& eventually a book) called "Marry Him!".
Lori Gottlieb makes a case for ditching the tall, dark, and handsome ideal women hold out for, and settling for "Mr Good Enough".
When I got home I looked up the article to read it for myself. You can find it
here.
If you have the time, please do read it, as she makes a lot of different points, and its not quite as cut & dry as I've summarized :)
This is a couple years old, so maybe you've read it already.
Now while she admits that she writes as a woman whose biological clock is ticking, what she is saying is, "Don't fall for the lies I fell for! Marry someone who will be a good husband and father
while you are young, because the longer you wait, the fewer your options are going to be. There is no such thing as a 'soulmate'...don't wait for someone who will sweep you off your feet: Mr Right doesn't exist!"
Feminists and Romantics alike do not take kindly to her message. After all, it flies in the face of everything we have been taught since we are little girls. We are princesses who are waiting for our prince...right? Chick flicks are made from the idea that we are fated to meet The One. And if we haven't met him yet or don't meet him at all...well, we won't settle for anything less because we deserve better! Besides, we have our fulfilling careers, and like Lori, we don't have to be in any kind of relationship to be a mother and have a family.
Lori advises against ruling out a potential because he doesn't measure up to your Dark Eyed Ideal. Like the bitter old Mrs. Harmon Andrews of Avonlea, she's merely stating that, "Its the over particular girls that get left". Checklists may leave you alone and lonely. This is nothing new.
It shouldn't come as a surprise that there is no "Perfect Guy" out there, because who of us is perfect? If I am not a Perfect Girl, why should I expect a Perfect Guy? We will each have our quirks and annoying habits or mannerisms. And most definitely we will both have serious flaws...
So don't hold out for a "10/10" when we ourselves don't even rate that high. "'Settle' for an 8/10", she says. "Because you'll find you are not really settling at all."
Ok, that makes sense to me. But she goes on to talk about romance.
"When we’re holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion."
"...realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."
Now, I can understand her line of thinking. I'm even inclined to agree with most of it. But if I'm going to be very honest here, I've always harbored the idea there is only one person out there for me. The One, Mr. Right, a soulmate, if you will.
Do you think it is possible that you choose your own soulmate?* Is choosing a husband (or wife) really just a matter of deciding who would be a good 'team-mate'? Its not a matter of pre-destination, its a matter of choosing someone compatible, and sticking to your choice?
"I would say even if he’s not the love of your life, make sure he’s someone you respect intellectually, makes you laugh, appreciates you … I bet there are plenty of these men in the older, overweight, and bald category (which they all eventually become anyway)."
I'm not fretting about running out of time and ending up with someone old enough to be my grandfather because I'm out of options.I'm just curious.
Obviously this makes sense on one hand. To marry someone you need to be able to work well together, and respect them. That will be the glue that holds you together. But should a person rule out romance as a factor altogether? My gut (which is very reliable) says "Duuuuhhh! No." but that could also be all the Jane Austen fiction I've been reading, which tells me Mr. Knightley will come at the right moment, and we'll live so happy ever after that there is no need to write a sequel.
"Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way."
Ms. Gettlieb had never been married at the time she wrote this article, and as far as I know she is still unmarried. So while she may write a whole lot about marriage, I'm wondering how accurate it can be. I think she makes a lot of solid points...there is no perfect man out there, and the criteria for a husband does not necessarily include a chiseled jaw and piercing gaze. He might even have a double chin, and pick his nose.
But does it make sense to date someone who you are not romantically attracted to (I think I remember the
Boundless Show doing a spot on this)? Should you wait and hope this develops in time? How long should you wait? Are the other more practical qualities more important? Is stability really the main requirement in a marriage? Doesn't that sound a bit mercenary?
Alright I know there are a lot of you married women reading this blog, and you are my most faithful commenters, so I'm counting on you to weigh in! But I also want the thoughts of my single unmarried friends...don't be afraid!
*Ok, wildly nerdy analogy here...I just can't resist. If you've read Harry Potter, all I'm gonna say is...Neville Longbottom could've been the Chosen One...HA!
I don't know if it will last until the hockey game...which is what it was originally intended for.
